We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
11 November 2004
1:23 a.m.
Oh, drama drama. So I spent the evening in the emergency room. My salt and ice burns (one on calf, one on forearm) were looking pretty bad, so I took myself over to one of those urgent care doctor's offices. I told the doctor how I got the burns and that they were self-inflicted and all. Let me tell you, that was a fucking mistake. The doctor was all, "We can't treat this here, you need to go over to the hospital." And I'm like, wtf, you never see burns here? It occurs to me later that she sent me to the hospital because of the SI factor.
Anyway, I go to the hospital, wait a long time (3 hours) in a lot of different places (5 that I can think of). I eventually get my burns cleaned up (fucking OW!) and dressings put on. Second degree burns with a few spots of third degree, no infection. I'm hoping they'll let me leave now, but no such luck.
They give me two choices: be committed that night to a mental hospital, or agree to let the doctor call my parents and tell them everything and go to therapy. Fine, fucking call my parents. Assholes. So they do, it's not like my parents are mad or anything, but they're upset and want me to talk about my feelings and shit.
So I finally get out of the damn hospital, come home, have to listen to my mom go on and on about why I need therapy. Because I really really don't want to see anyone. You don't even understand how much I hate therapy and psychiatrists. It's such bullshit, and especially with me going in with that attitude I'm just not going to get anything out of it. Plus I don't have insurance, and I refuse to have my parents pay for all this.
I have to see a surgeon in 3-5 days, I don't really know why, hopefully just a check-up and not skin grafts. I'm worried. Hell, I'm scared.
Can I just refuse to see a therapist? I mean, I'm fucking 23, I'm a legal adult, don't I have the right to refuse therapy? I really hope so.
I had no idea salt and ice would burn that bad, not really. I mean, third degree? Damn. I wish I'd never done it. I wish I'd told the doctor some like about how I burned myself while cooking or something. I wish I had never gone to the doctor. I should have told them that I was trying not to cut and I read that salt and ice was a good coping thing to simulate the feel but it turns out I was wrong and now I'm burned. Man, I wish I could go back and fix all this.
Plus it hurts like a goddamn bastard. I can honestly say that I won't be doing this again. No way. Actually, I'm going to really try to stop SI'ing. Without the help of therapy, I hope.
I guess my parents are going to be reluctant to let me move out now. I need to work harder on getting a resume together, getting a job, getting enough money to get any apartment at all. I have to get out of here.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
