We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
02 November 2004
12:26 a.m.
For some reason I’m feeling really motivated to start semi-restricting (1200 cal/day) and really actually do it. I’ve been purging some lately, too much. Sometimes purging a planned binge, sometimes purging dinner. I guess the Prozac my doc put me on a few months ago helped me some, but I honestly can’t see a difference anymore. I feel happy right this minute, which is nice, but I feel shitty a lot of the time, too. I still really want to stop purging…ideally, I’d like a doctor to up my Prozac from 40mg to 60mg and maybe prescribe me some Topamax, too, as that is supposed to help. However, I don’t have health insurance anymore. I mean it’s not like my parents wouldn’t pay, but I hate to ask. Purging is ok, though. Better than gaining weight.
I’m still losing in spite of several recent overeating frenzies. Haven’t been working out, need to join the gym, but I need to let the wounds on my arms heal before I can wear a T-shirt. If you don’t want to read gross, maybe triggering self-injury stuff, maybe you should skip to the next paragraph. I didn’t cut my arm, I burned it. I held the blunt edge of a paring knife over a candle, then held it on my arm til it cooled down. Yeah, it hurt like a bastard. Blistered up in a neat little line, second degree burn. I could smell it when I held the knife to my arm. Then the next day, I pulled the skin off the lines of blisters, nice weepy open wounds. I’m fascinated by looking at them. I don’t know how long they’ll take to heal or how much of a scar they’ll leave, as I’ve never SI’ed like this before. I’ve got about 20 of them. And wouldn’t you know it, we’re having a fucking heat wave, 86 damn degrees, and me in long sleeves. And I can’t bitch about it, because then everyone wants to know why I’m wearing long sleeves if I’m hot. Just can’t win.
I’ve been looking at job postings online, biology technician sorts of thing. I’ve found a few promising ones. I really need to have a job by Thanksgiving, or at least some prospects, because I can’t handle being lectured. I’m getting to it. It’s ok.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
