We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
25 August 2004
8:20 p.m.
Ugh. Am fat failure. I was thinking that I did pretty well yesterday with my eating, until I really started counting up the calories in my head. Easily 2000. I waited until dinner to eat anything at all, by which time I was starving. But I did go to the gym yesterday, so that was good. I meant to do 45 min cardio, but my legs hurts so badly after 30 minutes I knew I couldn't. That's ok, am getting back in shape after skipping off gym for a month or so.
My gym membership runs out next week. I think I'll just get another 3 month membership instead of a year-long one, it's not that much more expensive and I'm not really planning on living at home for a whole year.
Today, lost control, ate a ton of food, including a lot of French bread. Threw some of it up, but bread is so damn stubborn. I got enough up. No more eating today, no matter what. When I get hungry, I'm going to take a long bath or sleeping pills or sometime. I've been spending about 14 hours a day in bed lately, sometimes more. I have nothing to do and I love it. I love being bored.
But I really do need to get a job. I'm not saying my dad hounds me about it, but he does mention that I should work and then I feel bad. I keep coming up with new excuses not to, but, I was thinking, it really would solve a lot of my problems if I just got any old job. I'm such an all-or-nothing person, I keep thinking that unless it's directly leading to some fabulous and fulfilling career there's no point in taking a job. But that's not really plausible, I need to give that thinking up.
A friend of mine moved back to town recently. We were best friends from like, 1st grade through high school. We kind of lost touch a little when we went to different colleges, then she met this guy a couple years ago. He's 10 years older than her (she's 21, he's 31), divorced, and has two boys (they're 9 and 12 or so). And they're in this serious relationship, they've been living together for a year and a half or more, they all just moved back here. She called be but I haven't called her back yet so much. I guess I'm kind of intimidated by how together she seems to have her life, family, house, pretty good job. And I was always kind of the leader of the two of us, it's kind of depressing. So I guess I'll give her a call, of course she's my friend and I love her. It's just stressful.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
