We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
13 August 2004
11:32 p.m.
I feel like such a fat fuck. I want to take scissors and cut all the blubber off me. My fat cheeks, my flabby arms, my vast stomach, my time zone spanning thighs. I never lose weight, it never gets better. Ugh. I don't know how to lose weight. I've never really done it.
I didn't purge today's dinner because I dind't feel like I at that much. I never was really stuffed. I don't think I overate today. I don't know though. I have no concept of what a normal amount of food is.
I see big fat people on the street. Is that what my body looks like? I also have no real concept of what my own body looks like. So fucked up.
I'm begining to realize that I need therapy. It's just that I really, really distrust all mental health professionals. There was an incident when I was in 3rd grade and I was forced to see a child psychiatrist a few times. I hated it so much. I knew I only had to do it because I was a bad girl and I'd done something horrible...once on the way to the doctor's office my mom was mad at me and she said, "Do you have any idea how much this is costing us?" So much guilt and shame for an already troubled kid. So therapy can fuck me.
I'm feeling a little better. I can lose weight, but it's not all going to happen tonight, so I might as well calm down about it. Go wash my face and brush my teeth and drink a ton of water and settle into bed with some good literature. Or James Patterson. Whatever.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
