We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
13 August 2004
7:28 p.m.
I made an appointment to see my doctor. I guess the appointment is mostly about making sure my blood pressure and thyroid meds are working out ok, but, of course, I'm also planning on trying to bring up my ED with her. I know what's she's going to say: get therapy. I don't want therapy, fuckers. I just want some damn mood altering drugs. Is that so wrong?
It's funny, because I keep thinking of all the responses I'll say to her when she asks me questions, how much should I tell her? and what should I lie about? and it occurs to me that maybe I should just tell her the truth. I'm such a natural liar that telling the truth is always an afterthought with me. I lie about almost everything, even if it wouldn't be a big deal to tell the truth. It's just my natural reaction. So maybe I'll tell her everything. We'll see. The appointment is next Wednesday, by the way. I also hope that she understands I want meds that suppress the urge to binge, not purge. If the meds just keep my from puking my binges, well, fuck that.
I've been throwing up a lot lately, dinner everyday. The pattern generally goes: I try to eat good all day, little meals and whatnot. So when I eat dinner I'm both really hungry and it seems like a lot of food, since I'd been eating small meals all day. Then there's always the point when I'm eating dinner where it's just Too Much Food and I'm going to have to puke it. So I might as well eat as much as I can. Repeat day after day.
Today I actually managed to have a small dinner: hamburger, some chips, a nectarine. Of course, everytime I look at my body, I want to puke. I'm probably going to, too. Also today I've had a NutriGrain bar, a small glass of milk, a serving of tortilla chips and salsa, and some bread and brie cheese. I don't even know what a normal amount of food is anymore. Maybe I need a nutritionist. Too bad they aren't free.
You know my secret fear? I'll finally get up the nerve to go to therapy and be labeled with ED-NOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified, as in not anorexia or bulimia) and get bulimia taken away. I know that's a lame thought, but we all have our pathetic fears.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
