We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
07 May 2004
1:23 p.m.
Well, I know I haven't written in a month. I'm sorry. School is almost over, I graduate Sunday. I can't believe it's been four years. Guess I'll update you on a few changes in my life. I've decided not to go to graduate school yet, even though I was accepted to a few programs (not my top choices). I just really need to take a few years off. I'm not ready, and frankly, I just don't want to go. There's no law that says I have to. I'm going to live with a friend of mine next year...she'll be a senior in college. Her school is just 45 minutes or so from our hometown, so it'll be nice to be closer to my family (I'm about three hours away from them now).
And, let's see. Well, my period finally stopped, thanks to birth control, I guess. My cholesterol is back down, but my tryglycerides are high. In short, I'm a fatass walking heart attack. I really, really hate myself right now. I didn't lose weight, I never do no matter what. Total failure and whatnot. I'm going to be a huge fatass my whole life. I've been binging and purging a lot lately. I'm going to try not to today.
I also had a shitty little reality check when I went out yesterday to buy black graduation shoes. My feet are wide anyway (thanks, you shitty genes) but they're really fat, too...and I couldn't find a single fucking shoe that fit. Even fucking wide sizes. I'm beyond embarassed and mortified. I came home determined to starve myself and ended up ordering and binging on chinese food. Yeah, I hate myself. And it all got too depressing today, so now I'm sitting here with blood drying on my arms and legs. I am such a dumbass. At least there's only one cut on my arm, but it's big and fairly deep...and my family is coming up tomorrow. Maybe I can just keep my arm folded the whole time. I have some cuts on the side of my wrist, too, but my watch will hide them. And one near my knee that I can pass off as a scratch, and some on my thigh that won't show. I love cutting the inside of my elbow thought. Even small cuts leave big scars there for some reason.
Ok. I'm going to go clean up and head over to Wal-Mart for some control top panty hose (did I mention I hate myself?) I would get drunk if I had anything at all...
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
