We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
18 February 2004
8:02 p.m.
Spent some time amusing myself this evening my reading my old journals. They go from the end of fifth grade to the first day of ninth grade. It's actually physically painful for me to read those old entries, not because my life was so bad or anything, but because it's all so...I don't know, goofy, embarassing, totally over-dramatic. Such issues with my mom and I always thought it was just her being a totally unfair bitch all the time. And now I can see that it was me, my whacked-up teenage hormones making me moody and dramatic. And it's funny because it's the exact same thing with my little sister now, she fights with mom and I just shake my head because I know it's all her. Man, I used to have crushes on so many boys back then. Who never liked me back. I was chubby and smart and shy...I kind of had a hard time of it in middle school. I firmly believe that middle school is the hardest thing a kid goes through. In elementary school you're still just a little kid and in high school you're finding your own identity and you aren't so worried about popularity and the in-crowd. For me, anyway. But all I wanted in middle school was to be exactly like everyone else. That's what everyone wanted and it made us all mean, making fun of kids who were different. I got made fun of, but then I turned right around and picked on the kids on the social tier below me. I'm so sorry and I can't take it back.
Sometimes I think...what if I could go back and relive middle school but with all my experience and everything I know now? I think I could go back and not give a fuck about all the little things that were so important then. I feel like it would be like an out-of-body experience, being able to see everything but not having it affect me emotionally. Would I stay objective like that? Would I be drawn back in? I guess I wouldn't mind doing it for a few days, but I couldn't take three years of it. I wouldn't go back and relive high school...I don't really have any regrets there, nothing I'd do differently. College, though, I would go back and do all this over again. For one thing, I'd get serious about exercising and eating right during freshman year, so maybe I'd look decent by now. I wouldn't take a couple of classes that I ended up not needing. I'd get better grades. I'd try to be happier with the way things are. I guess the real point is, pretend it's five years in the future: what would I come back and say to me now? Be happier. Lighten up. Deal with what you have instead of whining about what you don't. Give yourself a break, you're doing alright. And stick with your good eating/exercising, you're doing great.
That made me happy :)
Well, today's superficial stuff. Lunch was a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato, baked Lays, piece of banana bread, a banana, and tea. Good, good. Went to all my classes and did everything right. I got a 100 on my biological anthro test. Of course, that is a freshman intro class, but I still 0wn3d it. Ahem. Went to the gym, lifted weights. Did 10 min on the stairstepper and 30 on the elliptical. Came home, started drafting my emails to grad school faculty. Had dinner: some pretzels and Fritos, serving of cheese, yogurt, frozen dinner. I was way hungry. I might have microwave popcorn or pudding tonight if I need a snack.
I wonder...is it possible to fully appreciate what you have now? Senior year in high school...I had such good friends and we had such good times. I had great teachers. Everything was bright and open. Home was happy. It was great. But I doubt that I thought so then. Why didn't I appreciate it? But, you know, thinking back more carefully...I spent a lot of senior year making myself throw up. I tried ipecac syrup for the first time. Probably cut myself. Grew apart from my very best friend. Couldn't wait to get out of the house and away from my annoying family. I only remember the good things and it takes a fair bit of effort to remember all the shit. I'm good at repressing and lying to myself. I guess that's the thing: it never was perfect and it never will be. But it was ok, and it will be ok.
I feel melancholy writing all this. I'm not unhappy, but I'm not especially happy either. I guess that's just kind of the mood of the week though.
And Dana, I never get tired of reading what you write :) You always make me think, and that's awesome.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
