We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
17 February 2004
10:54 p.m.
In these last few entries it really seems like I've got it all together. But there are a million little things that are bothering me, and it's all starting to add up.
My 15 year old sister's so happy with her new little boyfriend. They leave each other lovey-dovey away messages on AIM and I want to kill myself. I hate thinking of her as someone's who's becoming a teenager and who can relate to me on the same level. She's my baby sister and I want it to stay that way because it's comforting to have someone who looks to you for all the answers and envies your glamorous grown-up lifestyle. And that's all changing and it hurts. Now I feel like the awkward inexperienced little kid who should be in awe of her life or something.
And I'm lonely. Every day it's the same thing. I go through the day all alone, clinging to my routine because I feel like my day is shot if I can't stick to a routine. And then I come back to my tiny dorm room and spend the entire evening alone.
And I have to start emailing all these professors of the graduate programs I applied to, which is tedious and stressful.
I have to take the Biology GREs and I haven't studied at all and I don't even know when my school offers them.
I'm sick and my face is puffy.
I feel dead inside, like I'm just going through the motions. I daydream about being inpatient in some mental hospital and just sleeping all day and not worrying about anything. I feel like crawling up in a box somewhere.
I don't know what to do about all these goofy feelings. I guess one answer is therapy. But I'm not doing that. So pills, then. Celexa would cost me about $26 a month, which I guess isn't that bad. Maybe I'll talk to the doc over spring break. But what I'll probably end up doing is just pushing everything back down and pretending everything's ok.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
