We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
19 January 2004
11:01 p.m.
I’ve grown bored with this diary. I’m bored with everything. I feel spacey and numb all the time. I’m freaked out about the future, and getting into grad school, and what I’m going to do when I graduate, and always being alone. So I try to never think about it, or any of the other million things that stress me out, and as a result I feel like I’m living in this tiny little idealistic bubble of the immediate present, like living with blinders on. I spend a lot of time just lying in bed. Flipping through channels because I can’t think of any good enough reason not to. I cut myself yesterday. Lots of cuts, maybe fifty, but none serious. I don’t even know why. I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t crying. I just felt like doing it and, like everything, I couldn’t think of a reason not to.
I don’t know what I want to do. About all this feeling shitty, I mean. I meant to get on some meds, maybe Celexa again, over break, but I found out it would cost an assload. So I didn’t bother.
I feel like I can’t even get to the root of what’s really bothering me. Is it really just that I’m so scared of graduating? I don’t want to leave my little secure world. I want to go back and do college again, but knowing everything I know now. I want to spend the rest of my life in a little cabin reading books by a roaring fire and not worrying about anything or anyone. I want to know what’s going to happen tomorrow, and the next day, and all the days after that. I want to be in a mental hospital that I never have to leave, where someone else makes all my decisions. I want to quit pretending that I’m happy.
So I guess I just keep going. Get through every day, becoming one day closer to becoming a bitter lonely old woman. Jesus, this entry is depressing.
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
