We are far too young and clever
And things won't ever change.
19 October 2003
1:08 a.m.
It's been a while. I guess nothing has changed, really. I went to the gym a few times, I'm getting a rhythm back. I'm out of shape. It's sad that I lose it so fast. I guess my eating is normal. Maybe I've binged a few times...but they're physical binges, not necessarily psychological. Other bulimics might know what I mean. I can eat a bunch of food out with friends and feel ok about it, but I can eat the same amount another time and it's a binge and I can't function til I purge it. And it's the same food, it's just in my head. It's like an example I read in a book: someone can go out in the woods and eat hallucinogenic mushrooms to get high and enjoy it, and a different person can go in the woods looking for cooking mushrooms, accidentally pick the hallucinogenic kind, and rushes to the emergency room after they eat them. It's in your head.
So I eat and I don't purge. Because my head says it's ok. But is it? I know you want to hit me on the head with a board and scream, "Yes, yes, it's healthy and right and normal!" But of course, for part of me, it's not right, and even though I know purging is unhealthy and bad, it's what I want. And not just because of getting rid of calories.
I saw Seabiscuit today. There's a scene where the jockey is making himself throw up so he can get down to the certain weight so he can ride. He's not bulimic, it's just his job. And when I saw it I was so triggered. Not because I was hungry. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to drink a gallon of water just to throw it up. I wanted the action of shoving my fingers down my throat, looking at my bloodshot eyes in the bathroom mirror and knowing that I'm not normal, I'm unusual, I'm exceptional, I'm different. The lightheadedness, the sore throat, being unsteady as I walk back to my room, triumphant. And it's not about calories or weight loss. It's about the act of vomiting. I'm not sure I'd ever conceptualized it this way. It is about control, just like the Intro. to Psych. textbooks say. And it's about an excuse. It's ok that I'm unhappy and that I'm always alone. I have an illness to maintain. I have a good reason.
So what do I want? The way I see it, I have three choices. I eat what I want, not necessarily binging, but eating more carelessly. And maybe I'm 'happy', but the weight stays on. Or I go hardcore, I throw everything up, I'm sick. Or I count calories, but keep it reasonable, aiming for 1200 a day or so. And sometimes I still slip up and purge. That's the one I want. One foot in recovery and one foot in the bathroom. And I'm unhappy, because counting calories makes me obsessed and purging isn't fun no matter what my sick mind says.
So it's not, 'Can I give up the purging?' because of course I can. Maybe not the binging, but I can stop purging if I want to. Right? Do I purge because I have to, or because I want to? My gut says it's because I want to. And do I really? And will I always? Will it ever, ever be over? It's all so wrong in my head. The purging is so much about having a secret that makes me different and special. I don't know how to get around that. How do you give that up?
Previous:::Next
The End - 07 February 2007
Updatery - 03 December 2004
Not much to say - 13 November 2004
- - 11 November 2004
Hindsight is 20/20 - 11 November 2004
